This week is baby loss remembrance week.  To honour it and the mothers who have heavenly children, I wanted to share with you an open letter to the children that are no longer with me.  Please do share it with others you think would find it helpful.  You can read more about my miscarriage story here. 

To my heavenly children, 

Before the first of you went to be with Jesus I always feared losing a child.  It was something I would never consider, that I would violently throw to the back of my mind or assume it was devil’s talk.  Those were the thoughts of nightmares, not glory. 

Joy is not the emotion that most would associate with losing a child.  But it is the emotion that has been fanned into flame after the initial grief of each one of you departing from this earth.   Your loss has made me alive in ways I never knew existed before.  The helpless brokenness of losing you all has made me more sensitive to the thinness of the divide between heaven and earth.  At times heaven has become a greater reality - isn’t that the truth? Isn’t it our earthly-ness that shrouds us in blindness? 

When I think about you all I don’t feel angry - I feel excited.  I feel excited to meet you all and get to know you all and see the people God made you to be.  At times I feel a deep longing for you all - to see your smiles and share your joys, but that deep longing is also a deep longing for heaven and our beautiful Jesus.  

Your existence exists in a separate reality to this earthly one.  If someone asks how many children I have, I say three because they are the ones that can be counted onto the bus.  They are the ones who permeate my daily reality and get into my face! 

Occasionally though heaven reminds me that I am a happy mother of many children, like when children I didn’t know gave me flowers on Mother’s day so that the vase became full with all of you.    

And that is what I wanted to tell you, my heavenly children - that I am so thankful for you all and your presence in this life.  You have created in me a longing for heaven and for Jesus that is awake in me.  When life is a struggle here, you remind me that it is only temporary.  Life will pass so quickly compared to eternity and then we will be together worshipping our Saviour together.  When I see your faces vivid in my dreams I glimpse the truer reality and my Spirit sings alive with joy.  

Although I would love to have you with me here right now and snuggle your little faces, I am looking forward to the day we will all be reunited in Jesus and I know that right now you are in the best hands - His.   

Love, 

your mama 

Losing a child, at whatever stage of pregnancy and life is heartbreaking.  Writing about the joy and hope I have experienced is in no way meant to downplay the brokenness and devastation at losing a child and each person's journey is different.  I'm truly sorry and with you if losing a child has been your journey too.  I would love to hear your journey.  I know there are often few spaces where lost children can be acknowledged, but where they are found there is a special grace.  If you would like to hear more about my journey of miscarriage loss and the visions of heaven that I had afterwards, you can do so by clicking here.   

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